Realizations
by BlueMoonEmpress
Summary: Ken isn't telling Dai something, and he's about fed up with it, but when Ken does something he doesn't expect Dai finds himself with more questions then answers. R&R! Yaoi.Rating for swearing.


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Well, here's another for y'all. A little Kensuke for all you ^^ Ah, gotta love that coupling! I do anyway… didn't used to… but that was before, this is now and I LOVE THEM! Anyway… 

Ken: Yes, I think you need to calm down. 

Daisuke: nods head in agreement 

BlueMoon: Oh you two hush! You should be thankful I put you two together. I could have put either of you with Takeru!

Takeru: pouts Would that have really of been a bad thing?

Ken and Daisuke: look at each other YES!

Takeru: pouts harder 

BlueMoon: Aww, poor Take-chan! Don't worry, I love you! And you're with these guys in other stories!

Takeru: smiles ^_^ 

BlueMoon: Yay! Anyway, I don't own Digimon. I don't own anything about it. Just this story idea. But I did get inspiration from another story that I started reading… but I can't remember which one it is! And all I got from it was the very first line so… go on! Read! And review afterwards!

" Talking " 

__

" Flash back "

Realizations

By: BlueMoonEmpress

He looked at me as if asking… What? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure if he knows himself. But he needs to ask something. And yet he won't. He just won't speak it. And I don't know why. I'm his best friend and I think I have a right to know… That may sound a little selfish but it's how I feel! I've stood by him throughout everything… Everything! He should know by now that he can tell or ask me anything. But he doesn't… I know he doesn't. But I don't understand why! Why won't he tell me everything that's in his heart? Have I done something wrong? Something so wrong that he won't come to me? 

He's standing in front of me right now. Mouth half open as if trying to speak but can't. Can't tell me what's wrong. What's on his mind. In his heart. And I don't know, because he won't tell me. And I want to know why. 

"Dai I…" He starts but then stops again. He always does this. He's done it so many times that it's become predictable. Next he's going to start again. "Dai I…" See? Next he's going to shake his head and tell me it was nothing. He's shaking his head, "Never mind, it was nothing Dai." What did I tell you? 

But I'm not going to let him off this easily this time. "Ken, something's wrong and I want to know what it is," I started. "You always do this. You start to say something… then stop. Do you not trust me or something?" 

He looks at me shocked, eyes wide, mouth open. Then he drops his eyes to the ground, as if ashamed… of what I still don't know. 

"Dai… I'm… I'm sorry. I—I do trust you! I do, I truly do… Your… you're my best friend…" He stuttered. But at least he got out more then two words. "And I know I do this a lot… but that's only… only…" There he goes again with the whole stopping thing. 

"Ken, why can't you just tell me? I know somethin's buggin' you… I know that it has for a while. But you need to help me out a little bit before I can help you." 

Ken shook his head again as if to clear it. "I know that… I just… I just don't know how to say it… I don't know if I can… It's… its hard Dai."

I looked at him sympathetically, "Ken… this doesn't… doesn't have to do with a… a girl does it?" Ken's eyes were suddenly cast downwards and a small blush came to his face. "It does doesn't it? C'mon Ken! You can tell me! Who is she?"

"It's no one Dai… Certainly not any girl I know…" Eyes still to the ground. 

"Dude… then why the blush?" 

This just caused him to blush more, "I—I'm not blushing Daisuke…" What?

"And dude… what's with the full name? You never call me that anymore unless you're upset! Ken, what is going on? Why won't you talk to me?" I asked a little hurt. 

"I can't tell you all right?! I can't tell you! I just can't!" 

"Ken! Calm down! It's all right… it's okay if you don't want to tell me… I just figured… but I guess I figured wrong huh? That's just like me… always assuming, but never willing to find out if that assumption was true."

"Dai…" He turned away from me and walked over to a bench that was no more then ten feet away. Once he sat down I thought it safe to go and follow him. "Dai…" He repeated after I sat down beside him. But he still wouldn't look at me. "I… I don't know how to say this… I want to tell you, I really do… but… it's complicated… too complicated if you ask me." He fiddled with his glove. 

"Ken, it's okay, really. I know stuff can get tough. I do. But…" I sighed and turned his face towards me with my hand. "But Ken you're a genius and you can figure anything out. No matter how long it takes, you'll figure it out. I know you will." 

Ken looked at me, something glimmering in his eyes. "It's not that simple. And I'm no genius… Osamu was the genius… I'm just… a defected model if you ask me… Onni-chan was the real thing."

My hand dropped to my lap; "There you go again with the downers… you have to start thinking on the positive side Ken! Seriously… And if I have to make it my life goal to make you happy… then I will. Don't put it past me. You know I'm stubborn," I grinned at him. 

"Yeah… I know." He cast his head downward again and sighed, I mimicked it. "If I tell you… will you promise me you won't get mad? Won't abandon me? Shun me…?" His voice was low and choked.

I looked at him in surprise. "Ken nothing you say could make me do any of those things, or others. You're my best friend. And I hope I'm yours—" 

"You are." Ken broke in. 

"Good," I smiled. "And nothing will change that, do you hear me? Nothing." 

Ken looked up again, his eyes still shimmering this time with tears. 

"Thank you Dai."

"Hey Ken… don't mention it," I lifted my hand and wiped his cheek as a tear slid free. His eyes closed at the contact. Which confused me none-the less, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I had more important things to worry about. "That's what best friends do, they help each other out. In anything okay? You remember that."

Ken nodded and opened his eyes. "Yeah, I'll remember that." What he did next confused, and scared me even more. "Ja ne." And he kissed my cheek.

Ken was gone before I even had time to yell after him. They don't call him the rocket for nothing. 

I must have gone numb after Ken left because it was hours after when I finally got home, meaning everyone was asleep at the Motomiya house hold. 

I walked over to the kitchen to find a note lying on the counter. After reading it I chucked it into the garbage can. It pretty much just said, 'You're in deep shit, we'll talk in the morning.' Not like something like that hadn't happened before. I mean… c'mon! I'm eighteen, and rebellious. Something like that wasn't going to affect me. 

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I was wrong. My parents, well more my mum then my dad grounded me for an entire week… that meant no phone, no going out, no computer… no Ken. 

He still goes to a different school then the rest of the Chosen that are still in school. High School any ways. Some of them are still in Uni. 

No Ken… for an entire week! And after what he did… he kissed me. He kissed me! On the cheek yes… but still… it had to have meant something… right? 

Sure, it could have been an accident. Maybe he didn't even know what he was doing. Maybe it was just a spur of the moment idea. Maybe… maybe… so many maybes. I need an answer! But only Ken can give me it. And I know for a fact that he won't. He won't tell me anything until he's ready. And I don't know when that will be. 

But the kiss… did it… could it have meant something? Did it mean anything to me? It's Ken… my best friend. And he kissed me. And no matter how hard I try to fight it… I want him to do it again. The feel of those velvet soft lips on my cheek… anywhere! 

Oh god… did I… did I just admit that I liked Ken kissing me? That I wanted him to kiss me? But that would mean… that would mean… 

That would mean that I'm gay… and I'm not! I—I love 'Kari! I **love** her! I always have… this… this is nothing. I'll forget these feelings. These feelings… these thoughts… they'll… they'll go away! They have to. They just have to. 

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They didn't. Those stupid thoughts just got more and more pushy. So much to a point that I had to avoid everyone. Ken especially. I just… just can't face him. Not now. And not for a while. I need to figure what these feelings mean. If anything at all. And I can't do that with Ken right beside me. 

I'm on my way to another torturous day of school. I swear… I am so glad this is my last year. I don't think I would be able to take another. 

I just turned the last corner to my school when I spotted him. Him with his sparkling violet/black hair… his pale feature… his pert ass—Oh my god! Did I… did I just think that?! What the hell is wrong with me!? 

I was about to turn back around the corner when he turned, smiled, and waved at me to come over. Sighing I regretfully turned my way back around and shuffled over to him. 

"Dai! I haven't seen you in a while, are you okay?" Ken asked me as I slowly made my way over. 

Although when I got to him I didn't stop walking, "I'm fine."

He looked at me oddly. "C'mon Dai. What's up?" He can be as stubborn as I can sometimes. 

"Nothin's up Ken. Just trying to survive another day in this hell hole."

"It's not that bad Daisuke. Besides, it's not like you can't make the grades." Ken was one of the only persons that believed that I could do anything. That I was smart like him. Although he claims I'm smarter then he is. 

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"It's not so much that you're smarter… it's just that you've lived longer." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, that's not what I meant. What I mean is that you've been through more then I have… although I have been through a lot in my short days… I mean… maybe not more then me… but you would have known how to handle all my situations… um… am I making any sense?" 

I just smiled at him and told him I understood. Although in truth… I had no idea what he was talking about. I don't think he did either. But that's okay. Ken's funny like that. 

"…you just don't try," He continued. 

"I know. And I've tried to try… you know I have. But it just never works out how I would have liked it too… But that's okay. I'm not failing and that's all that matters," I shifted my shoulder bag to my other shoulder when it suddenly hit me. "What are you doing here Ken?"

"What? I can't come and visit my best friend?" He asked pouting slightly. He got that from me. Along with many other annoying habits that I have seemed to have accumulated over the years, like nail biting. He would always swat my hand away from my mouth. He did that until I eventually almost stopped biting them completely. 

"I didn't say that. It's just… well, don't you have school?" 

"Day off," He said smirking. If there's something that I'm glad Ken didn't lose from his days as the Kaizer it's that: the smirk. Totally sexy. Stop thinking like that!

"Ahh…" I said. "So you decided to waste your day over at my school? Don't you get enough learning at your fancy private school?" I teased. 

"Haha," He laughed sarcastically. "Funny Motomiya, really it was. But no… I just wanted to see you." My face must have dropped because his face went back to a look of concern. "Dai? Are you okay? You've been avoiding me… and I can't understand why… unless… unless… Dai? Did I do something?" 

It's odd… When Ken was the Kaizer I never thought I'd hear fear coming from Ken Ichijouji's voice. But there it was. In plain sight so to speak. 

"No Ken, what would have made you think that?" My voice was flat and emotionless, I didn't mean for it to sound like that… but I guess something's just can't be helped ne? 

"Dai… I know something's wrong. And I know that I had something to do with it… I just wish I could help. Take back whatever it was that I did… I'm sorry." I continued to walk towards the school's entrance doors. All the while telling myself that this is stupid… I should just embrace the feelings that I'm feeling and kiss Ken with all the force I can muster. 

But I didn't do that. All I did was this; "I have to get to class, don't want to be late ya'know? I'll ah… talk to you later Ken. Ja." And I walked away. Leaving Ken in front of the school, confused and what I didn't know then… but will know soon, completely heart broken. 

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I felt horrible for the rest of the day. My mind kept going back to the look on Ken's face. I can't put my finger on the emotion… but it's somewhere around the lines of abandonment. At least that's what I got from the small glance that I stole as I walked away. 

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to tell Ken. Still don't. I just wish now that I had done something more then what I did… but I still don't know what that would have been. Arg… I'm so confused! And there's no one to help me… I can't go to any of the other Chosen… I mean… what would they think? They'd disown me even more then they already have… 

You see… I was never very liked in and amongst the Chosen… always the outcast… that is until Ken joined us. I still don't understand how I was chosen as leader. It has and will amaze me until further notice… until I find something that's even more amazing, although that may be hard to beat. 

But I think this new problem with Ken may come close. Along with these feelings… I can't… I just can't seem to get past them! But I don't understand why! Why can't I push them to the back of my mind like I have so many times before?! 

So many times before? I've thought like this before? I'd never—wait… I… I remember something… it was after our first battle when we got Imperialdramon… I was so happy that I wanted… I wanted to… to… to kiss Ken. But I didn't let that thought stay for long… I pushed it away… far away into the back of my mind. 

I wonder… I wonder if I had known what I knew now, all the way back then if anything would have been different… would Ken and I be together? Would the others accept us? Would we accept ourselves? So many questions… so many unanswered questions… and they aren't going to be answered any time soon… I can feel it. 

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Although my feelings can be wrong sometimes. As they were in this case because some of my questions were answered quickly… eerily so. 

I was on my way home when I ran into Tai and Yamato. That was coincidental enough… but… when I saw them… they were… they were… they were holding hands. Fingers intertwined, swinging back and forth. I stared at them in amazement. How… when…?

They noticed me and walked over.

"Hey Dai!" Tai greeted as he walked up beside me, Yamato by his side. They didn't even let their hands drop. 

"H-hey…" I said slowly. 

"What you up to?" Tai asked. 

"Can I ask you guys something?" I said totally ignoring Tai's question. 

Looking at me strangely Yamato answered, "Yeah, of course."

With out really saying anything, I pointed to their tightly woven hands. 

Tai and Yamato looked down to where I pointed, Tai started to laugh and Yamato blushed a nice scarlet. 

"Oh! Hey, I guess we never told you huh?" Tai said. I shook my head. Leaning over he gave Yamato a peck on the cheek. "We're in love Daisuke." 

"You—you are?!" I squeaked. 

"Yeah, why? Is that so hard to believe?" Tai asked. 

"Um… well… maybe a little…" I admitted. 

"We were a little shocked ourselves Dai," Yamato told me. 

"Why don't you come over to our apartment and we can hang out?" Tai suggested. Nodding I followed them the few blocks over to their apartment. 

We reached it in a matter of minutes, walking in Tai went straight for the living room, Yamato in tow, I followed after removing my shoes. I sat across from them, them on the couch, well, more like Tai on the couch as he was sprawled out across it; Yamato just had the edge and Tai's feet on his lap, me on a chair in front of them. 

"So, what's wrong?" Tai asked. 

I looked at him startled. "How—how did you…?" 

He smiled, "Hello! It seemed obvious. You're all fidgety and the like, so I thought I'd take a chance. So what's wrong?" 

"Does it have to do with Ken?" Yamato asked. 

My head shot back up to look at him, "How the **fuck** did you know?!" 

Yamato shrugged, "In the words of Tai, 'it seemed obvious'." Tai grinned. 

I sighed, "Yeah… it's about Ken… I—I don't know what to do… he's not telling me something… and it's come to the point that I can't stand it anymore… but he won't tell me! He starts to… but then he stops and tells me it's nothing. But I know it's not nothing! It has to be something or else he wouldn't keep trying to tell me right?" I asked. 

Tai sighed, "Dai, I'm surprised you're this dense." 

I stared at him, "Excuse me?" 

"What Taichi is **trying** to say is that to some it seems obvious that Ken may have feelings for you, deeper then friendship." 

I stared at them both, and stood up, "What? No… No you guys have to be kidding me! That kiss couldn't have meant that!"

Yamato looked at me, "Kiss?" 

I blushed, and looked downward, "A little while ago… he—he kissed me on the cheek before he left… I—I kept trying to tell myself that it was nothing… I'm not gay… I can't love him… I'm not gay…" 

"Hey, it's not a bad thing to be gay you know," Tai said. 

"I know that… but I love 'Kari… I always have! I love 'Kari…" 

"Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more then anyone else that you do," Yamato said. He looked to the side and nudged Tai forward, then whispered something in his ear. After Tai nodded he stood up. 

"Yamato…?" I asked slowly. 

"Dai? Would you consider me attractive?" He stood in front of me, hands on his hips. 

"Ah… I… I guess…?" 

He knelt down, "And it wouldn't be a huge thing if you were attracted to me would it…" ran a finger down my cheek. 

I gulped, "I guess not…" 

"And it wouldn't be a bad thing if I kissed you would it?" 

"Ah…" But I didn't have time to answer, because before I knew it Yamato's lips were pressed softly to mine. 

He pulled away, "That wasn't so bad now was it?" He asked, his eyes glowing. 

"N-no…" I stuttered. 

He smiled, "Good. Now you should go up to Ken and do just what I did. Go kiss him. If he's already kissed you… then it's a sure fire thing that he's at least bi." 

I looked at him, "What good would that do me? I'm not GAY!" I yelled. 

Yamato shook his head sadly, "But would it really be a bad thing if you were?" 

I stared at him, thinking, questioning what he just told me, then said, "I guess not." 

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Okay, a new and very scary realization coming to me here. Could I seriously be… gay? But… What about 'Kari? I thought I loved her… Do people not understand how confusing this is?! This is HARD! I don't know how the hell… 

_"But would it really be a bad thing if you were?" _

Yamato's words danced through my head… and I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing… I guess… 

"What the fuck is wrong with me?!" I screamed tugging at my hair. 

There was a knock at my door, "Hey squirt, you got a phone call," I looked at the door, just Jun. 

I picked up the phone, "Got it Jun. Hello?" 

"Dai?" 

"K-Ken?" I squeaked. Damn my voice… 

"Yeah… it's me. Dai, I need to talk to you. Meet me at the corner café in thirty minutes?" 

"Ah… yeah, of course… sure…" I stuttered, "See you there?" 

"Yeah…" and the phoned went dead. 

I held the phone in front of me, "The hell?" sighing and shaking my head, I made way to get ready. Maybe I'd do what Yamato told me… maybe… 

I was at the café no more then ten minutes after our conversation. I got us a table and sat there, ideally tapping my fingers on the wood. 

"Don't do that, it annoys people." 

I jumped at the voice, "Ken!" I stood to greet him. 

"Sit down Daisuke… we need to talk." I nodded and took back my seat. "I know things have been rough with us lately but… I don't know if you'd understand," he placed his entwined hands on the table and looked down at them. 

"Try me," I said, as I reached across and grabbed them. His eyes went wide, as he saw my hands cover his. "Just… try me."

"Dai-Daisuke… I—" He sighed and shook his head, "I can't do this…" He stood up and ran out of the café. 

I sat there for a minute, just trying to register what happened, then, "Damnit!" I pounded the table and stood up, running out of the café, running after him, "Ken!" I yelled down the street. I couldn't even see him anymore. "Damn that guy is fast…" 

I sighed and started to run blindly down the street. I had an idea where he would go… I knew he wouldn't go home, he knew that'd be one of the first places I looked… But I know him too well… He'd be…

"Ken!" I yelled as I spotted him. 

Startled he looked up and blinked, "But… how…?" He asked confused. 

I grinned, "I know you too well to know that you wouldn't go home… you'd get too many questions from your parents," He sighed and looked down, I sat down beside him on the bench. "Just… try me," I placed my hands over his again. 

"I don't know if I can… how do you… how would you tell someone so important to you something this big…" 

"I'm not sure, you see… I don't know what the problem is so… I can't do anything to help yet." 

He kept his eyes down; he couldn't even look me in the eye. Maybe this would be a good time… maybe Yamato was right. 

Taking a deep breath I placed my hand on his cheek and turned him towards me, slowly I let my lips fall on his. 

I heard him gasp then move away. Shit… I knew that was a bad idea! 

"Dai-Daisuke…" He stuttered. 

I looked at him scared, "Shit… Ken look I'm sorry! I knew I shouldn't have… it's just… I don—" My words were lost as his lips this time fell onto mine. 

He backed away again, looking to the ground nervously. I stared at him confused. "K-Ken?" 

"I didn't want to tell you… didn't think you would understand how I felt… I know you love Hikari… but I thought that maybe you could love me too…" 

"I could give it a try…." I said it so quietly I didn't think he heard me. 

His head snapped up, "You-you could?" 

I shrugged, "Yeah, I mean why not? I may not love you now Ken," He looked down, "But I know with time I would," He looked back up at me. "I'm willing. But… I don't think I want this public for a while all right?" 

He nodded, "Of course, I wouldn't want you to do anything you weren't ready for," He paused, "Dai?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Thank you for understanding…" 

I smiled, "Anything for you Ken. Anything." 

End. 

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Aw, now how's that for sap? I think it's sweet… Huh, that one could almost be continued too… hmm… maybe I will, maybe I won't. Who knows? Not I that's for sure… Well, I hope you liked this one! Took me a long while to figure out how it was going to end… then there was that whole thing with me forgetting I was writing this one ^^;; Silly me. Anyway… drop a review won'tcha? Be greatly appreciated by me and my muses. So, until next story! 

---BlueMoonEmpress---


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